Address Tae a Fart   - As Recited on 9th February 2007         

Address tae a fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie

Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie

As ye sit doon amongst yer kin

There sterts tae stir an enormous win’

The neeps an’ tatties an’ mushy peas

Stert workin’ like a gentle breeze

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But soon the puddin’ wi’ the sonsie face

Will have ye blawin’ a’ ower the place.

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae

A’body’s gonnae have tae pay

Even if ye try tae stifle

It’s like a bullet oot o’a rifle

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Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair

Tae try an’ stop the leakin’air

Shift yerself fac cheek tae cheek

Pray tae God it disnae reek.

But aw yer efforts gan asunder

Oot it comes like a clap o’ thunder

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Richochets aroon’ the room

Michty me! A sonic boom

God almighty, it fairly reeks!

Hope I huvnae shit me breeks!

Tae the bog I’d better scurry,

Acht, whit the hell, it’s no ma worry.

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A’body roon aboot me chokin’

Yin or twae were nearly bokin’

I’ll feel better for a while

Cannae help but raise a smile.

Wis him! I shout with accusin’ glower,

Alas! Too late! He’s just keeled ower

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Ye dirty bugger, they shout and stare

A didnae feel welcome ony mair

Where e’re ye be let yer wind gan free

Sounds like just the job for me

Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s party

Ower the sake o’ one wee farty.

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